LONELY HEARTS

Looking for love, or just looking for any form of action? Post your details and requirements up here and see if anything shows an interest. In true lonely hearts style, you are 100% guarenteed to get only ridicule. 		 

GET IT ON

Were you the sassy blonde spewing her bacardi breezer into the face of a child outside tesco, or were you that bloke taking a slash on a wheelie bin at the Bingo? Check below to see if you’ve caught someone’s eyes...		  

GET IT OFF

Has your relationship grown a little stale? Perhaps the chemistry isn’t there anyomore, you found your loved one cheating or you’re just sick of looking at their stupid face. Whatever the reason, give them the sack here.

  • Mister Feargal Sharkey

    Hi ladies, I don't know about you, but I think that a good heart these days is hard to find, true love - the lasting kind. I said; a good heart these days is hard to find, so please be gentle with this (lonely) heart of mine.

    -Feargal 'call me' Sharkey

    xx

    13/02/2009 00:00:04

     

  • Basement Boy

    Me: pailid, wheezy and a little bit strange
    You: Not into personal freedom

    12/02/2009 17:16:03

     

  • Des Perate

    Sexually frustrated thirty-something WLTM ANYONE. A pulse is preferable, but not picky.

    10/02/2009 18:54:08

     

  • Hard Hat

    Big guy called Willy, builder, wears a hard hat, interested in drilling/excavation/pummeling/and interior wall penetration. If you share similar interests, give me a dog and bone(r)

    08/02/2009 18:37:59

     

  • Big Daddy

    Are you 60+? Single gent, 38, slim, clean-shaven, gent, 60+, for friendship. Interests include watching wrestling, wrestling, collecting wrestling memorabilia, wearing wrestling clothes, hurling, and horse racing.

    30/01/2009 12:26:43

     

  • High Tower

    Never say never. Tall black male, 30s, venturing into the unknown, seeks willing guide, 25+.

    30/01/2009 12:26:04

     

  • Handy Gandhi

    Outgoing Indian guy, 32, medium build, chubby, shaved head, very hairy, likes pubes, bars, dining out, WLTM similar white guy.

    30/01/2009 12:25:18

     

  • Nora Batty

    Bubbly, buxom, solvent, middle aged female, GSOH, OHOC, honest and educated, WLTM similar gentleman, 30-60 for 1-2-1 realtionship, plus shared holidays, nights in/out, country drives / music. GSOH a must.

    30/01/2009 12:24:26

     

  • Cheeky girl

    Petite, attractive, sexy brunette, late 20s, looking for generous, wealthy sugar daddy, for mutually rewarding relations.

    30/01/2009 12:23:56

     

  • 2's up

    White married couple, early 50's, clean, professional, discreet, first time, WLTM well endowed black males for adult fun.

    30/01/2009 12:20:57

     

  • Mr Motivator

    Tall, fit, divorced male, 50s, seeks LTR with loving, romantic, sexy lady who likes sailing, red wine and boots. Tall ladies welcome. Dressing for pleasure essential.

    30/01/2009 12:20:12

     

  • Curly

    Jewish Bohemian, 60, creative spirit, with a passion for music, seeking an impatient, awkward, out of sync female counterpart. Lets create sparks. Age immaterial, sense of adventure essential.

    30/01/2009 12:08:33

     

  • Chocolate Pie

    Delicate, petite, french female, early 30s, blonde, sexy, seeks generous and funny sugar daddy, 40+ for romantic liaisons.

    30/01/2009 12:07:24

     

  • Hefner

    Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

    30/01/2009 12:07:00

     

  • Nick-Nack

    Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

    30/01/2009 12:01:14

     

  • DIY master

    Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.

    30/01/2009 12:00:44

     

  • Confused

    Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.

    30/01/2009 12:00:01

     

  • Deluded

    I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32.

    30/01/2009 11:59:13

     

  • Jane Doe

    Eager-to-please woman, 36, seeks domineering man to take advantage of her flagging confidence. Tell me I'm pretty, then watch me cling.

    30/01/2009 11:58:26

     

  • Grotballs

    Shy, ugly man, fond of extended periods of self-pity, middle aged, flatulent and overweight, seeks the impossible. GSOH.

    30/01/2009 11:57:28

     
  

  • Scary Steve

    To the girl I see everyday at London Bridge station who doesn't know I'm alive. On the train platform tomorrow I'm going to suffocate myself with an empty packet of Walker's crisps and resuscitate myself right in front of you so that you will know that I am alive. Maybe we could go for coffee after?

    13/02/2009 00:16:55

     

  • Big Fanny

    To Mr Big-Nuts, high cat fat city flyer boy with his asymmetric hairstyle and big teeth. I saw you over my Big Mac on the train to Sydenham, I was the blonde you had to keep changing carriages to avoid. Playing hard to get? I'll give you one.

    03/02/2009 16:58:12

     

  • Crazy Ian

    To the enchanting Gypsy woman who stole my watch near Tescos in Dagenham. I was the bloke whose watch you stole. But you disappeared before I could get a portion of your sweet charms. If I buy you a baked potato will you blow me off?

    30/01/2009 12:39:50

     

  • SENSUAL MALCOLM

    To the mysterious Brenda, raven haired temptress of the Piccadilly Line to Cockshafters. I was wearing a hat and you gave me a boner big style. Do you want me to take you out for chicken? I have a car, drop me a line.

    30/01/2009 12:39:03

     

  • Q

    To the Secret Agent Tarquin B Farquinhausen. The lark rises near Chelmsford and brings with it several fruited CAKES that must be distributed around the city for all to enjoy. The cakes are fresh, but will go off quickly so don't mess this one up.

    30/01/2009 11:45:22

     

  • BRIANANA

    To the sweaty guy that got on at Perivale and was leering down my top. I am a full blown transexual and have the hots for bald perverts. If you like your meat with two veg then give me a call.

    30/01/2009 11:44:49

     

  • SUPER-MACHo GARY

    To the Beautiful Brunette from Bromley who I stalk most evenings. Things are getting serious, call me or call the police before one of us gets hurt.

    30/01/2009 11:44:03

     

  • Hairy Sandra

    To the Rabid Tramp who soiled himself on the 26 to Waterloo on Thursday. I have been dumped by Pete Docherty and want to move up in the world. I'll be waiting for you with a 6 pack of special brew and a flask of egg-nog behind Waterloo station.

    30/01/2009 11:41:58

     
  

  • Annonymous chap who isn't called Steve

    Steve to Peggy Mitchell....

    Every time I switch on the telly at 8 o'clock you're there, large as life in my living room. Stop stalking me you geriatric cockerny, or I'm calling the 'old bill'.

    13/02/2009 00:19:00

     

  • little cu**

    Have you ever wondered why you catch me watching porn at 3am.

    You're fired

    12/02/2009 22:27:26

     

  • City Boy

    Tracy. I've lost my job and so I'm no longer going to shower you with gifts. I'm going back to my wife. She's costs me less, but at the same time is not as cheap as you.

    12/02/2009 17:17:53

     

  • Snaps

    Its not me, its you. Grow up, stop comparing people to your ex wife, and try and start offering some of the commitment you whine for. And try a visit to the lady garden of your next girlfriend once in a while, she might not feel quite so bitter about your tiny Jonston that way.

    11/02/2009 16:06:05

     

  • Chuck to Berri

    It's not you it's me, because I don't like you anymore. BTW remember that time you farted and were embarrassed and I said I didn't smell it, I was lying. I smelt it and it was rank. My eyes are still watering. You are now my ex.

    03/02/2009 16:58:54

     

  • Jay Peg to Avi

    If you leave your phone round your next boyfriends house don't forget to delete the sent items. So I have a tiny pecker do I? well it wouldn't be that bad if your lady garden wasn't so cavernous. I think we'll call it a day.

    30/01/2009 14:57:35

     

  • Pat to Jess

    I don't think things are working anymore. I do all the work and you take the credit. Would it hurt for you to drive me somewhere, just once? Guess what, now you're getting the sack.

    30/01/2009 14:53:53

     

  • McTavish to Gretna

    Have you ever heard of grooming? After many dates we finally got down to business and I thought you were wearing a sporran. Get a bikini wax or get dumped.

    30/01/2009 12:32:59

     

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